so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
