The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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