oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
