here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
