come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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