shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
