I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
