He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
