If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
