i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
