Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
