Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
