He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
