gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
