can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
