we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
