I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
