I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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