idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
