BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
