$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
