Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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