After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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