the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
