I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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