You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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