The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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