I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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