Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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