I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
