seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
