Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
