I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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