Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
