If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
