So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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