Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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