Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
