Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
