mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
