i wish there were pregnant emoticons
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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