i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
