My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
