giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
