In America we eat man semen.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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