you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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