I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
