I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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