if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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