I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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